I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize