Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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