If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Randomize