she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
