And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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