Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
foreskin is a definite game changer
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
