Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
