She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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