I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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