My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
