We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
