My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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