Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
