and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
