You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
