i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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