I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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