Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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