im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I can't put those talents on a resume
third nipple confirmed
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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