I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize