I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
