just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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