I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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