Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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