My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
