if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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