Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
