my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Randomize
