Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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