Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
