dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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