yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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