Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
