It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
