Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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