You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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