i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
