So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
