can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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