Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize