I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
