you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
