I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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