Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
