The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you would pick up someone in the library
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
