I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
