he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
