someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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