Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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