All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
