1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
