get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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