Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
