Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
