There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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