I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
