Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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