I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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