Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
