I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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